FRIENDSHIP
The only way to have a friend is to be one!
“The only way to have a friend is to be one.” said Ralph Waldo Emerson
Sometimes I wonder if I have ever been one?
I know how important friends are, they rank right up there with family, in some cases even higher!
Those humans whom you can often trust with everything, and I mean every fucking thing!
I’ve written about friends (Read Here)in the past and I don’t know why but I felt like writing this again, felt like I’ve not been a good one in recent times or I’ve not stood up to my end! This might just be my overthinking taking over.
But anyway, Why do I feel it? I’ve been observing myself and I think I’ve become very selfish and often time don’t care, I feel like I got enough shit to worry about and I can’t think or care about others anymore. I did put some effort but I think I’ve somehow failed to be a good friend.
It’s very easy for me to say “NO”, I don’t know how but I can easily deny any request and I’ve been denying many, sometimes I feel bad and sometimes I just don’t care!
Perhaps to others, I am a good friend, but most of the time, I don’t think I’m a good friend; I don’t think it’s worth being my friend. It really has nothing to do with my self-esteem because bluntly put, I know I’m a decent human and I genuinely care for the people in my life, but I will always retreat and become a hermit for days.
I tend to cut people off, for small, arbitrary reasons or even for no reason at all. I thought I knew what it meant to be a friend. I was wrong. Looking back at the friendships I’ve had in my life, I’ve realized that most of the time I was the reason the relationship deteriorated. Slowly, or all at once.
Like how Bojack from Bojack Horseman says “You know, sometimes I feel like I was born with a leak, and any goodness Istarted with just slowly spilled out of me, and now it’s all gone. And I’ll never get it back in me. It’s too late.”
I always find a way to fuck things up! It’s like I’ve become an expert at it, expert at losing people!
I try to be Independent, I do ask for help but most of the time I try to be independent, and sometimes I’ve prided myself for not needing anyone’s company, Ever!
And Sometimes I just long for people, friends! I want to spend time with them, have fun, and just enjoy every moment with them!
My social skills aren’t the best and or maybe I just always find a way to fuck it up!
Sometimes a thought crosses my mind, that I should cut ties with everyone because I’m not worthy, I don’t deserve them!
In short, I haven’t been a good friend!
I’m lucky to have been granted more opportunities for a fresh start, more than I ever deserved!
But this line struck me, “The only way to have a friend is to be one.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson
And I realized that I haven’t been one!
I’m Sorry!
Is it common or just like an imposter syndrome? shrugs I wonder if this is a common feeling we deal with?
